3. Places We Go When Things Don’t Go As Planned

Boredom, Disappointment, Expectations, Regret, Discouragement, Resignation, Frustration

Boredom

Boredom is the uncomfortable state of wanting to engage in satisfying activity, but being unable to do it.

When we’re bored we experience a lack of stimulation, time seems to pass very slowly, and if we’re working on tasks, they seem to lack challenge and meaning.

When we have more control and autonomy over the boring tasks, it’s more likely that boredom will leave us feeling lethargic. If we have little autonomy and control over the boring tasks, we are more likely to feel frustration.

Boredom is your imagination calling to you.

Discouraged, Resigned, Frustrated

• Disappointed: It didn’t work out how I wanted, and I believe the outcome was outside of my control.
• Regretful: It didn’t work out how I wanted, and the outcome was caused by my decisions, actions, or failure to act.
• Discouraged: I’m losing my confidence and enthusiasm about any future effort—I’m losing the motivation and confidence to persist.
• Resigned: I’ve lost my confidence and enthusiasm about any future effort—I’ve lost the motivation and confidence to persist.
• Frustrated: Something that feels out of my control is preventing me from achieving my desired outcome*.*

Frustration sometimes overlaps with anger. With frustration, we don’t think we can fix the situation. With anger, we feel there is something we can do.

Feeling discouraged and resigned is about effort rather than outcome.

Disappointment and Regret

Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.

Two categories of expectations:

• expectations that are unexamined and unexpressed (aka stealth expectations)
• examined and expressed expectations.

When we’ve self-examined and shared expectations with someone and we feel they’ve let us down, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open, circle back, and talk about our feelings and move to accountability. “I let you know how important this was to me...

So here’s something I know to be true, although it’s a little corny, and I don’t quite know what to do with it: What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded... sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly.